Ten things to say about gifts you don’t like

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit. 9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me. 8. Perfect for wearing in the basement. 7. Well, well, well… 6. I really don’t deserve this. 5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire! 4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire. 3. If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious! 2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program. 1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.