Daily Joke Blog » women

Facts of Life

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:40:19 +0000

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’ PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’ Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

Facts of Life is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:15:45 +0000

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.) 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart. 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.” 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas. 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend). 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names. 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies. 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day. 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit. 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Be politically correct

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:30:21 +0000

How to be politically correct with women She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

Be politically correct is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

A woman’s seminars

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 13:30:50 +0000

New Summer Seminars for Women The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don’t Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep ‘Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There’s Got To Be A Way

A woman’s seminars is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Lawyers give irrelevant information

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:30:59 +0000

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?” The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.” Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.” The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?” The first says, “That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.“

Lawyers give irrelevant information is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Education for women

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 13:45:36 +0000

Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. “Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?” – Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Education for women is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Women’s instructions

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:30:47 +0000

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books. A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night“. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing. When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

Women’s instructions is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Women seeking men

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 22:29:40 +0000

“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds 40-ish means: 48 Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate means: Possessive Artist means: Unreliable Average looking means: You figure this one out Beautiful means: Pathological liar Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin Educated means: College dropout Emotionally Secure means: Medicated Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera means: Snob Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street Free spirit means: Substance abuser Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun means: Annoying Gentle means: Comatose Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her Humorous means: Caustic Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn’t count In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker means: Lush Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel means: If you’re paying Loves Animals means: Cat lady Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement Open-minded means: Desperate Outgoing means: Loud Passionate means: Loud Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle Reliable means: Frumpy Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out Romantic means: Looks better by candle light Self-employed means: Jobless Smart means: Insipid Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows Spiritual means: Involved with a cult Stable means: Boring Tall, thin means: Anorexic Tan means: Wrinkled Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking Widow Nagged means: first husband to death Writer means: Pompous Young at heart means: How about the rest

Women seeking men is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Seminars for a woman

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:41:15 +0000

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly “Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic“) GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don’t Have (formerly “How to Cut Credit Cards in Half“) HE103: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”) Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say “No” With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission – a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly “Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else’s Life Too“) IR106: Understanding Men’s Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called “We Know What That Little ‘Plastic Applicator’ is REALLY For!”)

Seminars for a woman is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Women’s translations

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 21:10:14 +0000

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. We need… = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to. I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like. I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead. Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What’s wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!

Women’s translations is a post from: Daily Joke Blog