To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. [...]
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she [...]
It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that’s what I hated about him. If they have moving sidewalks in [...]
My uncle’s an airline pilot … kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though… When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted. Don’t tell anyone I said but we’re live on national TV. I broke a leg one time … spilt coffee all over. I bought this thing for my car. You [...]
I’m in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town … they mail it to me. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.” “I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils” I want to start a car repair [...]
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven’s unfinished basement. What are imitation rhinestones? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Let’s say you stuff a cat’s tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. [...]
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country. I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn’t sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another. She had a face lift, tummy lift, [...]
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn’t. It just eats another hummingbird. I bought a portable cable TV. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. I liked “Slaughterhouse 5″, but I [...]
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, “I’ll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex.” Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed. I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. Why doesn’t the [...]
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?” Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half [...]
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