Daily Joke Blog » men

English new suits

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 15:01:09 +0000

Two English men are walking along O’Connell Street in Ireland when they see a sign in a shop window. Suits $15.00, shirts $2.00, trousers $2.50. One said to the other one, “Look at that. We could buy a lot of that gear and resell it when we get back to England. We could make a fortune! When we go into the shop don’t say anything, let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us, so I’ll speak in my best Irish accent.” They go in and he orders, 50 suits at $15.00, 100 shirts at $2.00 and 50 trousers at $2.50. The owner of the shop asks, “You’re English aren’t you?” The Englishman replies, “Oh bother… Yes, how the hell did you know that?” The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners…”

English new suits is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

three men

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 19:12:23 +0000

there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!

three men is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Comparing Men to Dogs

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:15:44 +0000

How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning 3. Both mark their territory 4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches 7. Neither does any dishes 8. Both fart shamelessly 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut 10. Both like dominance games 11. Both are suspicious of the postman 12. Neither understands what you see in cats How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone 3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong 4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog 8. Dogs are easy to buy for 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what “no” means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Comparing Men to Dogs is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Professions

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 14:01:42 +0000

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.” The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.” The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.” They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ” She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know… Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

Professions is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Male translations

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 15:43:33 +0000

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say… “IT’S A GUY THING” “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.” “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” “Why isn’t it already on the table?” “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR” Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” “I have no idea how it works.” “TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.” “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.” “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” “Are you still talking?” “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned.. but I forgot your birthday.” “OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.” “HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.” “I CAN’T FIND IT.” “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.” “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” “What did you catch me at?” “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” “No one will ever see us alive again.” “WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.” Translated:* “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

Male translations is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

20 truths about men

Thu, 18 Nov 2010 17:08:18 +0000

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. 16. If you think the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you’re aiming too high. 17. Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee. 18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is. 19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men – a woman. 20. Husbands are like children – they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.

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Why do men die first

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 14:50:44 +0000

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race … you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework … you’re a pansy. If you work too hard … there’s never any time for her. If you don’t work enough … you’re a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay … this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay … you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her … that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you … it’s equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks … it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet … it’s male indifference. If you cry … you’re a wimp. If you don’t … you’re insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her … you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you … she’s a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy … that’s domination. If SHE asks you … it’s a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear … you’re a pervert. If you don’t … you’re gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape … you’re sexist. If you don’t … you’re unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape … you’re vain. If you don’t … you’re a slob. If you buy her flowers … you’re after something. If you don’t … you’re not thoughtful. If you’re proud of your achievements … you’re full of yourself. If you don’t … you’re not ambitious. If she has a headache … she’s tired. If you have a headache … you don’t love her anymore. If you want it too often … you’re oversexed. If you don’t … there must be someone else. Bottom Line: Men die first because they want to.

Why do men die first is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Facts of Life

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:40:19 +0000

Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’ PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is ‘Ken’. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. ‘Oh, nothing,’ has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition; don’t agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don’t bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not Valentine’s Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’ Only women understand the reason for ‘guest towels’ and the ‘good china’. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they ‘left the seat up’ instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.

Facts of Life is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

How To Please a Woman

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 20:24:37 +0000

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.” So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

How To Please a Woman is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Presents for the Wife

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 13:00:38 +0000

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.” After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.” The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself.“

Presents for the Wife is a post from: Daily Joke Blog