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News headlines 02

Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:22:07 +0000

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

News headlines 02 is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

News headlines 01

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 19:36:01 +0000

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Farmer Bill Dies in House Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

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Irish Pub Jokes

Wed, 16 Mar 2011 14:26:29 +0000

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, “Where are we now?” The guide said, “We’re in the great state of Texas.” “It’s a big place,” said Murphy. The guide said, “It’s so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it.” And Murphy said, “Yes, and wouldn’t it do wonders for it!” Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word ‘manyana’. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means “maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?” The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. “No. In Ireland we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.”, replied Brennan.

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Why ask why 06

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 17:07:59 +0000

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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Short legal laughs

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 20:41:14 +0000

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

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Humor about the Irish

Tue, 30 Nov 2010 15:13:48 +0000

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, “Spit it out! Spit it out!” An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, “No, everyone’s fine. I gave up beer for lent.” Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by. “Help!” Barty shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!” Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.” Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, “Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.” As Mick was leaving, Barty called “Mick! Mick! D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

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Only in America

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:55:56 +0000

…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. …are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. …do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. …do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. …do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. …do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. …do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place. …do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. …do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’. …do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering..

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You might be a redneck if 59

Tue, 23 Nov 2010 17:16:42 +0000

You might be a reneck if… Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net. City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits. You think Tang is in the fruit group. You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s. You’ve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer. You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions. Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can’t find it. You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season. You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy. The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.

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I get no respect 02

Mon, 22 Nov 2010 15:18:15 +0000

“I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.” “I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.” “Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He said..I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.” “I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark…” “On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.” “I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.” “My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday”

I get no respect 02 is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

You might be a redneck if 58

Fri, 12 Nov 2010 14:25:25 +0000

You might be a reneck if… Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wife’s car, but no blade. You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it. You think the blood on the front of your pickup truck looks cool. You think the blood on the back of your pickup truck looks cool. Your pickup truck no longer has a back. The worst day of your life was when you dropped your bottle of Jack Daniels the other day. The best day of your life was when you found an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels “over yonder in them hills.” Your mustache is longer than your wife’s hair. Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook. Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

You might be a redneck if 58 is a post from: Daily Joke Blog