If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. I [...]
It you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on [...]
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in [...]
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the [...]
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. [...]
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I [...]
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she [...]
It’s fascinating to think that all around us there’s an invisible world we can’t even see. I’m speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons. He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that’s what I hated about him. If they have moving sidewalks in [...]
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