Daily Joke Blog » bar

Would you like to dance fatty?

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 13:00:25 +0000

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?” The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.” The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you sure look fat in those pants.“

Would you like to dance fatty? is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

I Nearly Pissed Myself

Wed, 23 Mar 2011 14:32:15 +0000

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. “Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?” “Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.” “Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.” Jack thought to himself, “This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made. Okay Bob. you’re on.” Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, “Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.” Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. “What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.” “Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check” “Yeah, what about him.” “Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only you wouldn’t be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.”

I Nearly Pissed Myself is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Gay family

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 15:55:59 +0000

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, “what’s wrong,” and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, “he’s sorry about it.” After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, “What’s wrong now,” to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he’s sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any pussy?!” The guy gets really pissed and says, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”

Gay family is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

magic mirror

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 17:09:35 +0000

There was a magic mirror at a bar and what ever you say it can’t be a lie or you die. So a blonde, a red head, and a brunette walked in that bar. The red head walked up to the mirror and said I’m pretty so she didn’t die, then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said I’m prettier and she didn’t die and finally the blonde walked up to the mirror and sad I THINK and she died…

magic mirror is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Depressed

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 15:55:49 +0000

There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison…”

Depressed is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Picking up chicks

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 18:34:58 +0000

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women – what’s his secret?’ He stops and thinks, then he adds, ‘He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night – What’s going on?’ ‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’

Picking up chicks is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

A little head

Thu, 27 Jan 2011 16:02:16 +0000

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, “You know, I’m not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?” The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. “One day,” he begins, “I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.” “No shit?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. “Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.” “Keep going!” I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, “You now have three wishes.” I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, “I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, “What will be your second wish?” “What next?” begged the bartender. I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, “I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, “You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?” I looked at her and replied, “How ’bout a little head?”

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Professions

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 14:01:42 +0000

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.” The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.” The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.” They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ” She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know… Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

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Death in the Family

Thu, 16 Dec 2010 14:55:21 +0000

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?” “My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied. “Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $50,000.” “Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.” “And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.” “Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.” “Then this month,” continued, the friend, “nothing!”

Death in the Family is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Cheap Beer

Tue, 07 Dec 2010 15:22:24 +0000

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “One penny?!” exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, “Yes.” So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?” “Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “Four cents,” he replies. “Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?” The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?” The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”

Cheap Beer is a post from: Daily Joke Blog