Steven Wright 26

All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused.  “It was supposed to be hot today.” I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.”  I said, “I don’t want your job.” I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.  “We’re surrounded.” Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn’t know until I got there and set it up.  People complained because they couldn’t see the lake.  There was a forest nearby, but it wasn’t a regular forest.  It was a forest made out of paneling.  It was a long, thin forest. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety. Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. It’s a fine night to have an evening.