Steven Wright 24

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said “Help Wanted.”  There was another sign below it that said “Self Service.”  So I hired myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I paid myself.  Then I quit. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2″ taller. I’m kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. This is my impression of a bowling ball…  [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it...]  Gutter… I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better. I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today.  I don’t know when I’ll use it.