Steven Wright Does a Drive By

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light.  We pleaded “maybe“.  I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, “No further questions.” I went to court for a parking ticket.  I pleaded insanity.  I said, “Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?” When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…  When I came back the entire area was missing. I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house.  I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. When I go, I’m flying Air Bizarre.  It’s a good airline.  You buy a one way round trip ticket.  You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday…  That way you still have the weekend. I have a friend named Dennis.  Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn’t a midget.  He’s a midget-dwarf.  He’s two inches tall.  He’s the one who poses for trophies. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don’t have to go.  You’ll just be walking down the street, and… Ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…