Steven Wright 17

For a while I didn’t have a car…  I had a helicopter…  No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…  [Slow glance upward.] I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.  I’ve been arrested three times for practicing. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while…  The tires got dizzy. My neighbor has a circular driveway…  He can’t get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.