Steven Wright 12

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate. [Referring to a glass of water]  I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.  I don’t trust anybody! They say we’re 98% water.  We’re that close to drowning… [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...]  I like to live on the edge… I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it. I was born by Cesarean section…  But not so you’d notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading it.  It said, “Day 1 — Still tired from the move.  Day 2 — Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.“  I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year.  I figured at this rate, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice. I didn’t get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.  You couldn’t see anything, but every now and then you’d hear this rumbling noise go by. When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, “Do you have any toy train schedules?“