Steven Wright 11

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It’s in the apartment somewhere. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? I bought a dog the other day…  I named him Stay.  It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!“  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.  He’s an East German Shepherd. I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…  on the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I’m afraid of widths. I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He’s gone now. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He caught every other fish. There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.