Steven Wright 08

Today I dialed a wrong number…  The other person said, “Hello?“  And I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?“…  They said, “Uh…  I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.“  I said, “I’ll wait.” I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information.  She said, “Hello, Information.“  I said, “I can’t find my socks.“  She said, “They’re behind the couch.“  And they were! Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep. I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank.  I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[.  I go down to the pet store — “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.” I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.” I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album. I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.