Steven Wright 06

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.”  He said, “Yes, but not in a row.” I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?”  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.” I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.  So I had to buy them again. I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, “Can I help you?”  And I said “Yeah, do you got anything I like?“  He said, “What do you mean do we have anything you like?“  I said, “You started this.” I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.”  I asked her if anyone bought anything today. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate — she couldn’t read in two different languages. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier…  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.