Daily Joke Blog » Religious Jokes

Two Nuns Smoking A Cigarette

Thu, 14 Apr 2011 13:00:49 +0000

Two Nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, ‘It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them.’ The second Nun said, ‘I’ve found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.’ The first Nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. ‘You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.’ The next day the good Sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter. ‘Good morning, Sister,’ the chemist said, ‘what can I do for you today?’ ‘I’d like some condoms please,’ said the nun. The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, ‘How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.’ ‘I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week,’ said the Nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. ‘Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra-large, and the big liar size.’ The Sister thought for a minute and finally said: ‘I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?’

Two Nuns Smoking A Cigarette is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Nuns Confessional

Thu, 31 Mar 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts. The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My right hand.” The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven. The second nun goes into the confessional and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts.” The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” The nun replies, “My left hand.” The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven. Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, “Would you mind if I went first?” The third nun says, “Sure I don’t care, but would mind telling me why?” The fourth nun replies, “Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!”

Nuns Confessional is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Picking Up Nun’s

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 14:44:37 +0000

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop. When the bus starts on it’s way the bus driver says to the hippie, “if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.” The hippie of course says that he’d love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. “If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,” said the bus driver(male), “you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.” Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When she’s in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. “I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.” The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!!” The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!!!”

Picking Up Nun’s is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Archeology

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 22:23:14 +0000

A team of archeologists were excavating in Israel, when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. The Star of David They decided that this was a unique finding and that the writings were more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and brought it to the museum, where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement, you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. “The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Further proof of their intelligence is the fish, which means that when they had a famine and could not grow food, they took to the sea for food. “The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.” The audience applauded enthusiastically. The president smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.” Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. Everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again… It says, HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH.” Submitted by Calamjo Edited by BreeBrown

Archeology is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Animals go to Heaven

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 16:00:40 +0000

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them ‘How do you like it so far?’ The mouse replied ‘It’s great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?’ God said ‘Sure’, and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him ‘How do you like it up here so far?’ and the cat replied ‘Great, I didn’t know you had meals on wheels up here!’

Animals go to Heaven is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

What is God’s name?

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 14:59:35 +0000

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God’s name was. ‘Oh that’s easy,’ the man replied, ‘His name is Andy.’ ‘What make you think his name is Andy?’ the angel asked incredulously. ‘Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.’

What is God’s name? is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Question and answer

Fri, 04 Feb 2011 19:03:58 +0000

Q: Why do they say ‘Amen’ at the end of a prayer instead of ‘Awomen’? A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers! Q: Why didn’t Noah go fishing? A: He only had two worms! Q: When was the longest day in the Bible? A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve. Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn’t want any advice. Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A: A roamin’ Catholic! Doctor: ‘Your recovery was a miracle!’ Patient: ‘PRAISE GOD. Now I don’t have to pay you!’ Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A: Even then men wouldn’t ask for directions!

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History of a property

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 16:22:49 +0000

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract—tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: ‘We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.’ As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government: ‘Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it. ‘I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella. ‘The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. ‘Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you’re satisfied.’

History of a property is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Seeing a child in need

Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:28:01 +0000

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was. She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom. His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.

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Taxi driver in Heaven

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 14:41:44 +0000

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. ‘Come with me’, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. ‘Wow, thank you’, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. ‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up’, said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’ ‘Yes, that’s true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’

Taxi driver in Heaven is a post from: Daily Joke Blog