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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road – Reviewed

Wed, 30 Mar 2011 20:17:45 +0000

Subject: Chickens!!!! “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Pat Buchanan: to steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down. The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. Colonel Sanders: “I missed one?” L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we’ll find out. Bill Clinton: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens. Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!, the chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I’ve not been told! Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability. Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. Ronald Reagan: What chicken? Bill Clinton (again): I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York. Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. Fox Mulder: You saw it cross with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. Bill Gates: I have just released “Chicken Coop 98″, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system. Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? Bill Clinton (also, again): Define “cross.”

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road – Reviewed is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Presidential Coincidence?

Fri, 18 Mar 2011 15:59:26 +0000

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here’s the kicker… A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Presidential Coincidence? is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

The Clinton Tragedy

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 17:41:43 +0000

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ‘tragedy’. One little boy stands up and offers ‘If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.’ ‘No,’ Clinton says, ‘That would be an ACCIDENT.’ A girl raises her hand. ‘If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy.’ ‘I’m afraid not,’ explains Clinton. ‘That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.’ The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer. ‘What?’ asks Clinton, ‘Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?’ Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: ‘If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.’ ‘Wonderful!’ Clinton beams. ‘Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?’ ‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!’

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Divert Your Course

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 15:05:32 +0000

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

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Hoya

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 21:01:03 +0000

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!” The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!” “Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet. “I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!” The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!” After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. “Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

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People are stupid

Thu, 03 Feb 2011 17:34:20 +0000

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.” Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.” Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver. “Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney. The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.” “No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”

People are stupid is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Chased by a bear

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 23:57:16 +0000

George W Bush, Dick Cheny and Bush’s mama, Barbara, are having a holiday at the North Pole. George W weighs … Well, we know how light he is. Cheny weighs so much, and Miss Barabara, well, we won’t mention a lady’s weight. One day, the three of them are having a trip on a sleigh. Suddenly, they see a polar bear behind them. Quickly, they throw out all the luggage behind them, but this doesn’t help: the bear comes closer. They realise that one of the three will have to sacrifice himself or herself so that the two others will be able to escape. “You should do it”, George W. says to Cheny, “The bear will need more time to eat you then to eat me. We can’t expect Mama, here, to fight the bear.” “I guess you’re right”, Cheny says. As he jumps out of the sleigh, he shouts, “For the G-O-P!”, and gets killed by the bear. “Thank God for my brains”, George W. says, smirks. But, the bear reopens the chase. “Now it’s your time, mama”, George W. says. “Your weight is bigger than mine and a good mama sacrifices herself for her children.” “George!” G. W’s mama says. G.W. stands his ground, rather stares back, coolly, and very hard. His mama shakes every hair of her white head, the color that George W. told us he put there. “I guess you’re right”, she says, and she also jumps out and gets killed. “Thank God for my brains”, George W. giggles. But still the bear won’t stop hunting the sleigh. George W. really gets mad, and he shouts out : “You stupid animal!! Just wait a minute!! I’ll take my gun and I’ll blow you to pieces!!”

Chased by a bear is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Plane’s terrorist

Thu, 13 Jan 2011 14:11:34 +0000

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!”) The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place.” The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.” The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.” The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Listen to me. The pilot’s got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.” The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator’s head and repeated, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.” The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.” The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger’s head and demanded, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.” No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. “He’s George W Bush!” they laughed. “He doesn’t have any brains!”

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Stuck in a plane

Tue, 04 Jan 2011 14:45:55 +0000

George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush, Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly, National Guard Service or not, a plane George, Jr., grabs the radio. “Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!” Ground control receives the call for help and answers back: “Your dad?” “He left me here! Took the parachute!” “Sir, your dad?” “He’s the pilot! Gosh!” “Okay, don’t worry, sir. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.” “I’m over six feet and sitting in the front!”

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Entertain guests

Thu, 23 Dec 2010 15:15:31 +0000

After dinner one evening a George W. Bush was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, “I understand you love music.” “Yes,” murmured the guest politely. “But never you mind. Keep right on playing …”Entertain guests is a [...]

Entertain guests is a post from: Daily Joke Blog