It you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on [...]
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in [...]
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the [...]
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. [...]
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I [...]
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. I’d rather be [...]
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey [...]
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff. It’s amazing to me that one of the world’s most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world’s smallest animals: the real tiny dog. Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other [...]
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn’t a guy in our class that everybody called the “Cricket Boy”, because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, “You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he’s just like everybody else.” Then everybody [...]
When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close. Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she [...]
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