“I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said… Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said.. No..I hate myself now.” “I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.” “I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal [...]
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won’t drink from my glass!” “Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!” “I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!” “A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. [...]
“I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.” “I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the [...]
“Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!” “My [...]
Instead of having ‘answers’ on a math test, they should just call them ‘impressions’ and it you got a different ‘impression’ so what, can’t we all be brothers? Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he think he’s going?! Perhaps, [...]
It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire [...]
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. I [...]
If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and think of what other words have ‘under’ in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, [...]
Too bad there’s not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you’d probably be proud to be sprayed by one. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can’t remember, all rolled into [...]
Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to [...]
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