Daily Joke Blog » Gender Jokes

Anniversary

Fri, 25 Mar 2011 15:39:51 +0000

A guy says, “For our Twentieth Anniversary, I’m taking my wife to Australia.” His friend says, “That’s going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?” The first guy says, “I’m going to go back and get her.”Anniversary is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Anniversary is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

A Problem of Problems

Tue, 15 Mar 2011 20:02:59 +0000

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. “Father,” he said, “I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, “Don’t you love this girl?” “Oh yes, very much,” he said, “but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.” “No problem,” said dad, “all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.” “Honey,” her mother consoled, “everyone has bad breath in the morning.” “No, you don’t understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, “Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.” “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. “Not a word,” her mother affirmed. “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?” “Oh, my,” he replies, “you’ve swallowed my sock!”

A Problem of Problems is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Beer, eh

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 17:09:56 +0000

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?” “I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob. “Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”Beer, eh is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Beer, eh is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Anyone Here

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 20:33:28 +0000

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. “Hello?” she cried, but no answer. “Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?” Then she heard a voice from far, far away: “Hello! We’re down here…”

Anyone Here is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Control

Thu, 10 Feb 2011 13:21:17 +0000

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?” The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.” The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

Control is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Comparing Men to Dogs

Mon, 31 Jan 2011 16:15:44 +0000

How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning 3. Both mark their territory 4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches 7. Neither does any dishes 8. Both fart shamelessly 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut 10. Both like dominance games 11. Both are suspicious of the postman 12. Neither understands what you see in cats How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone 3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong 4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog 8. Dogs are easy to buy for 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what “no” means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Comparing Men to Dogs is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Compare The Genders

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 15:59:08 +0000

NICKNAMES If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.” OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Compare The Genders is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Coming Home Late

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 17:55:43 +0000

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.

Coming Home Late is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Cocktail Party

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 16:23:40 +0000

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”Cocktail Party is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Cocktail Party is a post from: Daily Joke Blog

Professions

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 14:01:42 +0000

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. The first guy says ” I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know… Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.” The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know… Double Income, No Kids.” The third guy says, ” I’m a R.U.B, you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.” They turn to the woman and ask her, ” What are you? ” She replies: ” I’m a WIFE, you know… Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

Professions is a post from: Daily Joke Blog